抬頭挺胸的/昂首闊步的/理直氣壯的/自然而然的站著,那樣的為自己而活。我覺得很多人是那樣子活著的,她們能夠為了自己而大聲嚷嚷,能夠為自己做出有益的決定,能夠好好捍衛自己那樣理所當然的存在。

 

不,那並不包括我。

 

我是害怕的/畏畏縮縮的/畢恭畢敬的/緊張兮兮的那樣勉強站著,為了別人而活著。

我找不到我自己,把自己放得很小很小,把她給遺棄了,任由她獨自慌張地來回奔跑。我不會為了自己發聲,我只會為了別人發聲。我不會為了自己做出有利的決定,有些時候,我甚至將自己評價為一文不值那樣的不屑一顧。

 

 

想不到我也有需要心理治療類書籍的一天。

過去以來,我總覺得自己很堅強,很能幹,功課很好,很認真上進,手腳很快,很快樂。然而我所知的那個我已經逐漸在裡面萎縮腐敗,因為其實,那些自我感覺良好的優化的自己,都是我做給別人看的我。我不堅強,我很懶散,我很多事情都做不到,我常常很沒自信,我常常難以對朋友傾訴我的缺點與傷心(因為那就不是那個外表的我了),我常常感到很憂慮,我常常很被動,我常常有過度的好勝心與得失心。我常常覺得我的朋友並不了解我,因為真正的我其實很少被揭露。

 

越多事情我就壓力越大,常常睡不著,接著又找來一堆藉口逃避去執行,最後必定導致壓力更大,然後更多的後悔。

我越是想完成很多事情,越是會讓自己陷入這種0效率而且痛苦不堪的深淵。

我覺得真正的原因的確是在於我不夠愛我自己。做很多事情我都完全不考慮我本人的感受,只是一股腦想著要完成外在的責任,做給別人看,贏得各種掌聲。我對自己的態度需要被矯正,否則我會一直把我自己困在那個只想快逃的圈圈裡而永遠感到痛苦。


等我的博客來書寄來,希望它們會對我有點幫助吧!到時候再分享給各位。

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There is nothing left but our digial love.

 

 

彷彿我們是可以複製的,可以計算的。我的聲音震動著麥克風,形成獨一無二的電流,轉化成數位訊息,直達衛星,穿越了無數的網路脈絡,經由電腦和音效卡的轉換,從你戴著的耳機傳了出來。

我們之間隔著一萬兩千公里的距離,隔著那些散發熱氣、發出細微噪音的機械:數據傳送和轉換,那12小時加上5秒的、延遲的愛和感知。

科技多麼先進,讓人在這樣的距離之下也能好好談場戀愛。以至於我直到現在才察覺,你之於我生活的意義,正像那些不斷更迭的臉書狀態,平面化的、數位化的親愛的朋友們。我追蹤,我傳送著什麼訊息,試著引起注意,試著讓自己超越那時差,試著變得立體。

 

就在我的聲音抵達你耳中的同時,無數的資訊正在消失。

 

就像那些狀態,無非是我們篩選後的資料,抉擇後的呈現。那是,我選擇讓你見到的我,那是我躲藏後,留下的笑容和美好,像極一束新剪的花。

如果有一天,我的電腦壞了,手機壞了,對我而言,你還是存在的嗎?對你而言,我又還是存在的嗎?或者該這麼問,對我們而言,我們能夠以任何形式令彼此感覺重要嗎?看著同樣的月亮,活在同樣的地球上,數位化與神化的愛情。


“我想要的不過是體溫而已。”  我聽見自己這麼說。大方的承認吧,我們需要的僅是肉體而已,需要陪伴、需要溫暖,只不過一種純粹而天生的欲望。那些關於愛與不愛的難題,在欲望面前,已經變得如此無關緊要了,真沒想到。愛情在距離面前好像就是這麼脆弱不堪不是嗎,因為她被稀釋了,僅剩那塊重要的欲望,像胎記一樣的自然。

 

在我們還沒變得過度扁平以前,我努力地想相信什麼,抓住些什麼,好讓自己不再漂浮、不再透明。

 

 

 

 

我想我總有一天會忘記你的樣子,還有你說話的方式。

我想我很愛你,但是或許我會無法以同樣的方式繼續愛你。

我從來不願忘記,甚至還能透過先進科技見到你的模樣

但是對我來說那些都像是,依照你的樣子製造出來的圖像而已,它們畢竟永遠不會是純粹的你。

我討厭那樣,但是我現在看見的未來,是那個模樣。

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希望的種子????How is this conclusion from?
尤其是看到裡面出現一隻兔女郎一直玩一直玩一直玩....
那個.....連大哥你有事嗎?你家是不是常常有這種妹妹在玩?


我如果很有錢會想要幹嘛

我會出來成立一個公平、透明、專業而且龐大的機構,檢驗台灣所有的食物

我會弄出可以讓監察院完全不會受制於任何黨派的法案,不是你想換就換

我會拿這些錢出國留學,念我喜歡的東西,不用跟政府貸款,不用因為有巨大經濟壓力而失眠

我會用這些錢幫助流浪動物立法保護他們的生命,並為他們結紮

我會用這些錢幫助農民自己發展品牌做行銷,並且外銷國外市場拓展

我會用這些錢幫助台東規劃適合的旅遊觀光業,兼顧地方特色與工作機會,讓人民重新願意回台東生活

我會把錢拿去捐助非洲的大象孤兒院,那裡有太多大象需要幫助

我會去環遊世界,看看那些我從來沒有能力到過的地方

 

我如果很有錢我也很希望能有錢到可以推翻掉你們這群專拖台灣人後腿的蠢人。

憑什麼這次的地溝油事件是一個老農民因為自己的農田被污染,自掏腰包架設錄影機才爆發出來?通報屏東縣政府五次都沒抓到還得自己到台中報案?請問你們這些高高在上坐擁權利的政府官員們,憑什麼這樣對待台灣人民?

你們到底把我們當成什麼了,生財工具?一直玩一直玩一直玩的蠢蛋?沒事幹成天抱怨的笨蛋?

請您看看以下影片仔細想一想,其實您還有超多事情依照您的經濟能力是完全可以達成的
不一定非得做臺北市長啊您說是吧?
http://www.wetalk.tw/thread-16835-1-1.html

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暫時先別管那位經常出現在我夢中的詭異男子,我總夢見這個傢伙,沒來由的。

那些一點一滴的恐慌像水壩上那道細長裂痕,細流涓滴著

“看起來好像還好嘛”,事情一多似乎就可以忘記

很快樂卻又很不快樂的兩面生活,我的26歲末

說什麼沒關係沒問題好像習慣了其實都是騙人的吧,

或者說總不可能是百分之百的,而我只是不想告訴妳/你

總是覺得快要淡忘些什麼,不論是快樂或是難受

那些快樂消退的太快太徹底,而疼痛又來的太悄然無聲,總趁著你孤獨的時候來大聲敲門

令人懷疑自己的大腦是否有問題?

記憶總留下最痛的部分供我品嚐,卻從沒見過幸福那種奢侈品

如果可以忘得那麼快,那我們還剩下些什麼?

再說

幸福是轉瞬即忘的瞬間而已,過了就是過了

不能保證未來的幸福正好就是痛苦的起點。

 

一字一句的緊張拼湊著我殘缺的想像

我要的不過就是一個很容易造假的習慣而已

即使是這樣都能覺得快樂的我,的確很卑微

而我也不過就是如此而已

 

由衷地告訴妳

我們所能掌握的就是讓自己快樂

除此之外什麼也無法改變

然而我也做不到呢

因為讓自己快樂的方法總是逃避不是嗎

逃避自己跟逃避責任

愛情其實從頭到尾都不是快樂吧

因為就是包裹著責任的性愛而已

 

操你媽的責任跟性愛

我真的有點累了

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There are so many difficulties for us to cope with. I have focused on the fashion design seriously since last year, but the future of fashion design is not as well as other fields. Also, for the true longing about our future, there are more problems which are the language barrier waiting for me to overcome, differences between our possible locations for work, and a chance that you may leave me forever because we are now having the geological barrier. It is too much to worry about, so I have to leave them here by writing this article. There is nothing more than the fear about the future that can destroy one person's courage to fight for the dream. I have had that fear from time to time since I no longer felt that I was strong enough to win the game in this world. I am 26 now, so I felt that it seems to have no more time to fool around. All I have to do is focus on what I have and what will I get with my conditions right now. The fear and the worry need to be laid here until I can face them one by one.

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Before you went to the U.S. I thought it would be easy not seeing you around for that our relationship is more than physical contacts. Only 5 days after your left I felt nothing but loneliness. Riding home on my motorcycle and seeing the city we lived together passed by, all I could do was cry since it reminded me of you in every second. After the worst period of time, I wiped my tears (again and again), trying to focus on my own busy and regular life (actually I have a lot of things to do). However, every time I found you hang out with your new friends shopping or to have some fun, I was totally depressed for the fear of losing you. I am so jealous of all of them that I couldn't help but crying when lying on the bed, thinking about all the awful possibilities. You are probably unaware of my terrible thoughts since I tried so hard to hold my tears when we had a chat on Facetime. Last week I packed my backpack and went on a little trip, partly for my friends and partly for finding the cure of my sickness, even for only a while. Eventually I only gained too much time to think of you. As a result I cried a lot for that. These were thoughts in my heart, and behind our happy hours. I am too embrassing to tell you how silly I am and how sick for you. It is me that like a child asking for hugs all the time, never standing up by my own feet. I hate such pains from nowhere and everywhere, but I must fight for you instead of running away selfishly.

 

 

 

 

Then I think of you instead of the blue

Lightly waddles from where we begins

Tear drops drip on my soft heart

Where grows a beautiful tree

Someday as we will

Sitting under its shadows

Squint for the dazzling sunlight

Laugh at all we have been through

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Not until we separate did I find out the lack of my confidence. The worst is, without the confidence of myself, the fear of losing you extended broader than I thought. I am so scared if we walk toward the opposite directions. The fear is always there, and it never has a rest even when I am sleeping. I dreamed about you telling me you had a decision to leave me even before the plane departed. That was the worst dream I have never had before, and I cried out like a crazy woman without breathing.

The fear is what I need to face with. I know I can do better than I used to do: crying for fear which I allowed to swallow all of my personalities. I can be a better person who always look forward positively about the unknown future with or without you.

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I am going to collect a bunch of words about love.

99 ways to say I LOVE YOU

There are 99 ways to say "I love you" in the webside.


As our condition now I might use "You put a spell on me." because I actually feel like that! I think our love is boundless and freeing like a couple of birds flying with each other.  It sometimes makes me feel aching and burning when I am missing you, but it also makes my life joyful and beautiful with you.

Love is a drizzle moistening shoots of us

So that we can stretch our minds and grow up into the one

Flourish and bloom in a delightful way

I can feel the love when you are calling me. Although your face is intangible, I would still be comforted by the invisible warmness between us.

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I am too rush to being success. Yesterday I list all the fashion design competitions recently to push myself to work on those projects. It was supposed to have some wonderful ideas coming out from my head so I can draw it quickly and effectively. However, the fact is I have no idea about basic CADs skills at all. The drawing on the sketching book can not be digitize perfectly in my laptop. I realized that I prepared not enough to be a real designer. There are lots of things to learn actually. It is necessary to calm down about going to the U.S. and to try concerntrating on one thing at a time.

 

I am so exhausted right now because I think about you tonight. You get me a serious insomnia from so far away like it can be transmited from our FaceTime. You have no idea about this city we used to live together. It punchs at my face silently with your smiles and sounds and all the things you did. I know I should stop this unhealthy sorrow, especially at the midnight.

Good night and good afternoon, my dear.

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  • Aug 05 Tue 2014 00:28
  • 星砂

這幾天的時間如質礦的沙,緩緩經過我們的腳踝

我們在那樣質地的漩渦中,仔細記錄著每個顆粒的觸感

安穩凝視彼此的聲響,是些許的哀傷與寧靜的嘈雜

但是並未帶著一點倉皇

 

你的臉頰也是粗粗的,黝黑的,與我一同曬過與笑過的

那些深刻感受你的瞬間都像是星砂

細碎、精巧而閃爍著

難以輕易地拾起,卻一粒一粒

卡在每個記憶的隙縫裡

俯首皆是

卻珍貴異常

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