Those words in my head.

There are so many difficulties for us to cope with. I have focused on the fashion design seriously since last year, but the future of fashion design is not as well as other fields. Also, for the true longing about our future, there are more problems which are the language barrier waiting for me to overcome, differences between our possible locations for work, and a chance that you may leave me forever because we are now having the geological barrier. It is too much to worry about, so I have to leave them here by writing this article. There is nothing more than the fear about the future that can destroy one person's courage to fight for the dream. I have had that fear from time to time since I no longer felt that I was strong enough to win the game in this world. I am 26 now, so I felt that it seems to have no more time to fool around. All I have to do is focus on what I have and what will I get with my conditions right now. The fear and the worry need to be laid here until I can face them one by one.

Before you went to the U.S. I thought it would be easy not seeing you around for that our relationship is more than physical contacts. Only 5 days after your left I felt nothing but loneliness. Riding home on my motorcycle and seeing the city we lived together passed by, all I could do was cry since it reminded me of you in every second. After the worst period of time, I wiped my tears (again and again), trying to focus on my own busy and regular life (actually I have a lot of things to do). However, every time I found you hang out with your new friends shopping or to have some fun, I was totally depressed for the fear of losing you. I am so jealous of all of them that I couldn't help but crying when lying on the bed, thinking about all the awful possibilities. You are probably unaware of my terrible thoughts since I tried so hard to hold my tears when we had a chat on Facetime. Last week I packed my backpack and went on a little trip, partly for my friends and partly for finding the cure of my sickness, even for only a while. Eventually I only gained too much time to think of you. As a result I cried a lot for that. These were thoughts in my heart, and behind our happy hours. I am too embrassing to tell you how silly I am and how sick for you. It is me that like a child asking for hugs all the time, never standing up by my own feet. I hate such pains from nowhere and everywhere, but I must fight for you instead of running away selfishly.

Then I think of you instead of the blue

Lightly waddles from where we begins

Tear drops drip on my soft heart

Where grows a beautiful tree

Someday as we will

Sitting under its shadows

Squint for the dazzling sunlight

Laugh at all we have been through

Not until we separate did I find out the lack of my confidence. The worst is, without the confidence of myself, the fear of losing you extended broader than I thought. I am so scared if we walk toward the opposite directions. The fear is always there, and it never has a rest even when I am sleeping. I dreamed about you telling me you had a decision to leave me even before the plane departed. That was the worst dream I have never had before, and I cried out like a crazy woman without breathing.

The fear is what I need to face with. I know I can do better than I used to do: crying for fear which I allowed to swallow all of my personalities. I can be a better person who always look forward positively about the unknown future with or without you.

I am going to collect a bunch of words about love.

99 ways to say I LOVE YOU

There are 99 ways to say "I love you" in the webside.

As our condition now I might use "You put a spell on me." because I actually feel like that! I think our love is boundless and freeing like a couple of birds flying with each other.  It sometimes makes me feel aching and burning when I am missing you, but it also makes my life joyful and beautiful with you.

Love is a drizzle moistening shoots of us

So that we can stretch our minds and grow up into the one

Flourish and bloom in a delightful way

I can feel the love when you are calling me. Although your face is intangible, I would still be comforted by the invisible warmness between us.

I am too rush to being success. Yesterday I list all the fashion design competitions recently to push myself to work on those projects. It was supposed to have some wonderful ideas coming out from my head so I can draw it quickly and effectively. However, the fact is I have no idea about basic CADs skills at all. The drawing on the sketching book can not be digitize perfectly in my laptop. I realized that I prepared not enough to be a real designer. There are lots of things to learn actually. It is necessary to calm down about going to the U.S. and to try concerntrating on one thing at a time.

I am so exhausted right now because I think about you tonight. You get me a serious insomnia from so far away like it can be transmited from our FaceTime. You have no idea about this city we used to live together. It punchs at my face silently with your smiles and sounds and all the things you did. I know I should stop this unhealthy sorrow, especially at the midnight.

Good night and good afternoon, my dear.